After a recent discussion on twitter about parent programming during Orientation, I thought I would write about what I refer to as “The Hokey Pokey of Parenting”. I got the title from a presentation done at East Carolina University, where I completed a NODA internship. I really liked what the title presented and decided to build upon it for my work with parents during orientation.
Below is a small look at what a presentation for parents can look like, and some ideas on what I see as “The Hokey Pokey of Parenting”.
I want to start by acknowleding 2 things:
1st: I really dislike the use of the term helicopter parents. I think as administrators, we focus so hard to getting students to be independent that we forget that we are only a small piece of the equation. These students have spent the last 18 years being shapped and molded by there parents. Who are we to tell them or their parents to “butt out” and who are we to judge how much family/parent involvement is nescessary for each child. I do agree that on many occasions that parents can exhbit many “helicopter” like traits, but to label parents when we don’t understand the family or the need of the student is unfair.
2nd: It is also important to remember that in many cultures parental and family involvement in a child’s/young adults life are very important. As a student affairs administrator it is important for us to recognize and respect this when working with students and parents alike.
Okay, So the Hokey Pokey of Parenting is basically the idea of how to balance parental involvement. When its time to put a hand in and when its time to take it out (there is very little shaking it all about though… sorry). It’s a presentation that should be geared towards parents during parent programming time throughout New Student Orientation.
The Hokey Pokey of Parenting is a great way to get parents and Student Affairs practitioners engaging in dialogue about the changing needs of their students during this transition period of their life. They are no longer children, but they still require help and guidance. Where does a parent fit into this without smothering the student or even worse without supporting their student?
I don’t want to give specifics on how this program has been run before, because every school is different and every orientation program is different. What I do want to do is give some suggestions for how to create a program that focuses on the balance of parenting a college student.
Below are my 5 favorite points to emphasize to parents, There are several more to be added, but I find these cover a lot.
1. Parents, you are super important to your student. Often times when a parent hears their child’s voice, they can instantaneously know if something is wrong. This is a gift. Call your child, check in, DON’T DO IT EVERY DAY.
2. As a parent you have to learn the difference between a “crisis” and a real emergency. If your student calls you and is worked up about something, do not immediately go into super parent mode. Talk to them for a bit, and then tell them you will call them back later. After 4 or 5 hours check back in. If you student is all of the sudden”over it” or “feeling better” (you can tell by what they are doing when you call and the sound of their voice usually), know that they just needed to vent for a bit. If it is a real crisis/emergency you will know by this time.
3. Under no circumstance (except in real emergency situations) should you ever call/e-mail/text/tweet/send carrier pigeon/smoke signal your students professor. I promise that this will not help your student no matter the situation is.
4. It’s hard being the parent of a college student, remember just by making it to college your child is now an adult and they know everything (at least they think they do). Sometimes they will make mistakes or make decisions that you wouldn’t have, don’t lecture them, this will inevitably back fire. It’s okay to let them know that you didn’t like or support their decision, but remember they need to make mistakes in order to learn from them.
5. Most importantly, Remember that you are now not just a parent, but also a friend, a sounding board, an ATM (at times), the dumbest parent alive, and an hour later a complete genius (depending upon the day and time), and a support system. I promise they will call when they need to. Some students will call more than others, some will text or e-mail, some may even pop home for a visit (and fresh laundry a la mom). Listen, Support, Provide Advice (when solicited). Remember when it’s time to put a hand in and most importantly, remember when its time to take a hand out. You have prepared them well, now let them fly and see how it goes.
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
Great article with really good points! I like the metaphor. It’s quite apt.
Great post, Kristen! I have worked a lot with parent programs over the years and I really think that a lot of the difference between when things go “well” with parents is when family members have trust in the institution to properly support their student. It seems to me when the family members are coming from an assumption of mistrust, they make the mistakes of swooping in when swooping isn’t needed.
What are the ways you have seen institutions do a good job building with parents/family members? I’m always looking for tips.
fabulous post… I love the “hokey pokey of parenting”. I am all too guilty of becoming frustrated when a parent calls to handle business on behalf of his/her son/daughter. Sometimes, rightfully so, but, other times, probbaly not so much.
Cindy,
I think building trust with parents is key for an institution, and I think that building trust starts with letting parents know that they are welcome and appreciated. Treating parents with respect, showing them what all the campus offers, having open lines of communication, great tour guides, good orientation leaders, the opportunity to meet with administrator and faculty… All these things help build trust and make parents feel like their student is in good hands.
I think offering parent programming at orientation is key for building good family/institution relationships.
I agree with Cindy (and Kristen) here. It’s essential to build rapport with families and students. Students need to feel supported during their transition to college– and families are excellent at fulfilling this role. It’s our responsibility to show these families that not only will we support their students, but that we will help them develop the skill sets to support themselves.
Thanks for sharing Kristen!
I love your analysis of parenting. I often remind parents that our children have different needs than when they were four years old(I have a four year old). Once i point out the similarities parents laugh and reflect on their approach.
This is a fantastic post. I think that the idea of the “Hokey Pokey” really brings up the topic, but in a light-hearted way that is less likely to put parents on the defensive. Most importantly, it still points out that they can have a “hand in” from time to time.
Parents are going through a developmental crisis themselves, so remembering that, and using our helping skills with parents (and not just their children) is vital to everyone’s success!
Thanks for sharing!
Fantastic post. I love the metaphor. I’ll definitely be using this one in the future, especially when I have the parents meeting in the residence halls.